Little by Little

It’s been over a month since I quit Instagram and decided on a 6-month social media sabbatical to rest, pursue peace, quiet my heart + make mental, physical + emotional space to focus more on my family and the tasks set before us each day. Like homeschooling, doing laundry, cooking together + caretaking our little cottage and sweet hens, the many fruit trees + vegetable plants in our garden; being present to play + learn together as a family. It’s been incredible. And sweet. And life-giving. Much to my surprise I have adjusted to taking less photos (savoring the ones I do take), while pressing in + digging deep to face the struggles I harbor regarding my self-worth + desire to be a good mom, to find fulfillment and rest, as I juggle parenting three little ones while pursuing my business + creative endeavors. Those latter two are much more difficult + uncomfortable to face. I can see how removing social media has been so helpful to me because it has allowed many of my insecurities to surface + come into view, now plain to see, rather than being covered + hidden by my time spent mindlessly scrolling the ‘gram. I am coming face-to-face with myself + meeting my doubts and fears with open arms, learning just how much I love living life + journeying through motherhood in a simpler fashion, without feeling a need to perform for others to see.

While walking along our street a few weeks back, prayerfully considering what God might want to speak to me this new year, how He might use me, I asked the Lord for a word I might have as a focus for 2021. In the stillness of the moment, I felt a calm settle over my heart as I listened to the soft, rhythmic swaying of the bamboo trees lining my neighbor’s yard. Fresh, floral notes of Kahili Ginger, overripe papaya + tangy tangerine hovered in the air, so bright I could almost taste them. The cool winter breeze gently swept across my face, and pulling my hair back, I paused to breathe deeply.

“Heal” came a melodic whisper, as I turned toward the horizon, waves cresting and breaking over the deep blue North Shore.

Amidst the stormy seas of my own heart, God was calling me to “Heal.”

2021 would be a year focused on entering into Christ’s healing + the true freedom He bought on the cross, for me. As a wife, mom, daughter, friend, neighbor, homemaker, baker, chef, entrepreneur, writer, creative, life-long learner, reader, adventure-seeker…all the things, and yet a deeply wounded, broken person who so longs for healing for our world, our country, our nation, our communities – a woman who longs for healing for myself, for my heart that was broken as a child through so much bullying and harassment, through the scars brought about by deeply wounded parents + grandparents whose own pain + unnamed grief shaped much of my childhood. I so want to “heal” and yet it’s not a word that I would naturally choose for myself. Because true healing seems quite painful. It requires brokenness, and confrontation. Things I immediately resist.

As I read the news + connect with friends in other states, there seems to be a common theme – division. There is so much division all around us, and yet Christ calls me to love. To hope. To be a peacemaker. And this year in particular, to Heal.

I’m excited, and scared, and deeply hopeful.

Do you have a word for 2021?

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis in his book, Mere Christianity. It beckons me to consider the inherent value in taking things little by little, making small choices each day in the direction I feel called toward:

“Good and evil both increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance. The smallest good act today is the capture of a strategic point from which, a few months later, you may be able to go on to victories you never dreamed of. An apparently trivial indulgence in lust or anger today is the loss of a ridge or railway line or bridgehead from which the enemy may launch an attack otherwise impossible.”

And one of my favorite verses I have anchored my life on: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.” John 10:10-11

xx maile

3 thoughts on “Little by Little”

  1. Pingback: Learning to Sew
  2. Oh I love this, I too back in November decided to take a sabbatical from SM, I still have to get on it to check messages because of business, but I deleted it off of my phone and any device that could be easily accessed. I had no idea how much time I was actually spending on them even though I didnʻt think it was that much, it added up. It was also really stressing me out with every thing going on, it was getting harder and harder to find the positive, to find hope, to find the good, and honestly anything where positive cannot be found needs to be cut out. I am so glad I did because now I am the positive, I see the hope, I am and see the good, I cannot rely on others on Social Media to provide that, I need to do it myself and with Godʻs help. 🖤🖤🖤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen, my dear!! You speak such wisdom and encouragement in these words. I’m right there with ya, it felt like a stronghold and only now that I’m a couple months out from clicking, clicking, scrolling, scrolling am I recognizing how much IG affected my mental health + creative capacity. God is so Good to work on me!


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