Pain, old friend

And just like that, more than a month has gone by since my previous post. Here we are in late March, me sitting at my corner spot in the dining nook listening to the pitter-pat of rain as it slips down our aluminum awning. I woke up at 4 a.m. in pain, the kind of familiar pain I’ve experienced these past three months but more muted throughout the night until it built up to the point where I couldn’t find any comfortable position to rest. At which point, I surrendered to waking, standing, stretching and then attempting to rest a bit more on the couch. Things didn’t go as planned (because I was so sleepy and the couch not so great for sleeping) and I found myself in bed again but then the spasms in my back and chest took my breathe away in pain and here we are. I’m awake. Good Morning!

Since my last journal entry, I had some great updates. I took a month-long sabbatical from posting on Instagram. The break from endless reel-watching and double-tapping and commenting and comparing gave me a respite I didn’t know how badly I needed. There was a moment three-weeks-in when I questioned whether I might want to create a Facebook for myself after 5 years of having deleted my previous one. I longed to be connected like so many friends and read updates. Instead, I signed onto my husband’s Facebook page (that he checks on average once every three years) and within 5 minutes of reading headlines, seeing photos and videos, scrolling through people’s feeds with trip photos, baby announcements and trips to far-away-places I broke down. I maybe cried. I compared. I allowed myself to indulge in jealousy. I got angry and annoyed and realized (yet again) why I don’t have a Facebook. It’s my kryptonite. I choose not to have a Facebook because I’m healthier without one.

Social media is a messy world. I continue to pray for wisdom in how Ken and I lay the groundwork for the kind of people/spouses/parents/friends/family members we are and continue to become. The word intentional comes to mind. Thoughtful. Loving. Kind. Caregivers. Stewards. Friends. How does what I post on Instagram and online affect my family and my community? How can I love people better in the online world?

Slippery thoughts this sloppy wet morning.

Earlier this month, my physiatrist gave me trigger-point steroid injections into my back for my pain. It was a really weird sensation at first and I thought I was going to have a panic attack or faint. Thankfully neither happened and after relaxing my body for a couple hours, the odd feeling wore off. Within a couple days, I was sleeping so much better. My muscle spasms were mostly gone for multiple days. I started to sleep soundly. The pain subdued and even disappeared altogether some nights. It was glorious. I thought about new career paths, possibilities for our family, exciting trips we might go on – it’s amazing how good it feels to not be in pain! I was getting rest! I was a new person!

Then after a week, the pain started to creep back. For some, steroid injections last months…for others not so much. I guess I fall into that category. Along with the release from pain, I will add that there have been some unnerving side affects from the steroids. Thankfully my doctors are not too concerned (yet) but I would love continued prayers as there are so many unknowns right now. My body feels like a great mystery. My physiatrist ran a CT scan on me this past week and we wait to go over those results together.

I sure appreciate you. Thank you for praying for healing for me. Thank you for loving our family well in this time.

I’m learning so many things in this humbling season of pain, like how to step back from doing too much. How to pray more. How to ask for prayer, more.

xx

p.s. here are some photos from the past couple weeks. I started baking a little again and getting out (thank you steroid injections!) but now that the pain is back, I will step back more. 😉 Lord, please heal me completely!!

James 1:1-12:

“James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,

To the twelve tribes scattered among the nations:

Greetings.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.”